Joke thread

Sweet action for kids 'n' cretins. Marjoram and capers.
101Walterton
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Re: Joke thread

Post by 101Walterton »

Purple Hayes wrote:Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...
Whats the punch line ........................ I'll get me coat :disshame:

Wolter
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Wolter »

Purple Hayes wrote:Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...
I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.
”INDER LOCK THE THE KISS THREAD IVE REALISED IM A PRZE IDOOT” - Thomas Jefferson

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101Walterton
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Re: Joke thread

Post by 101Walterton »

Wolter wrote:
Purple Hayes wrote:Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...
I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.
I know what he is talking about I've seen it many times before but it still makes no sense. Apparently, that is the way to do it.

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

101Walterton wrote:
Purple Hayes wrote:Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...
Whats the punch line ........................ I'll get me coat :disshame:
Boooo....hissss....
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

Purple Hayes
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Purple Hayes »

Wolter wrote:
Purple Hayes wrote:Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...
I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punch_and_Judy

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'People like Coldplay and people voted for the Nazi's, you can't trust people Jeremy':- Super Hans

'Hayes ... is one of the most godforsaken places I have ever struck. The population seems to be entirely made up of clerks who frequent tin-roofed chapels on Sundays and for the rest bolt themselves within doors.' - George Orwell

Wolter
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Wolter »

Purple Hayes wrote:
Wolter wrote:
Purple Hayes wrote:Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...
I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punch_and_Judy

Image
Oh shit. I really should have gotten that. :disshame:
”INDER LOCK THE THE KISS THREAD IVE REALISED IM A PRZE IDOOT” - Thomas Jefferson

"But the gorilla thinks otherwise!"

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

Bloke in doctor's: Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter.....



































Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

Dr. Medulla
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Dr. Medulla »

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"I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength, like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung." - Richard Nixon, Checkers Speech, abandoned early draft

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

I was bending down in the back of the wardrobe when my wife walked into the room and asked what I was doing.

"Narnia business", I replied
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

Marky Dread
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Marky Dread »

Heston wrote:I was bending down in the back of the wardrobe when my wife walked into the room and asked what I was doing.

"Narnia business", I replied
:mrgreen:
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The end of liberty


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No fuchsias for you.

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Nos Sumus Una Familia

Purple Hayes
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Purple Hayes »

Just bought some of that 007 Viagra... It makes you Roger Moore

When my Mrs left I was sad, upset and lonely, since then I've bought a dog and a Harley, shagged two of her friends and blown a grand on coke...She'll go fuckin' mental when she gets home from work

It's just like the 80's here, Sinetta, Pat Sharp and the bird from Hart to Hart are all on Tv and Chelsea are shit again :disshame:

The Police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife, Sir?" Shocked I answered "Yes" They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I said "I know, but she's good with the kids"

Christmas is coming soon and to be honest it will be like every other day, sitting at the table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore..

I was on the computer the other night when my Mrs asked what I was doing, I told her I was looking at cheap flighs, she smiled came over to me un-zipped my flys and gave me the most amazing blowjob, this was strange 'cos she'd never shown any interest in darts before...

I'll get me coat :disshame:
'People like Coldplay and people voted for the Nazi's, you can't trust people Jeremy':- Super Hans

'Hayes ... is one of the most godforsaken places I have ever struck. The population seems to be entirely made up of clerks who frequent tin-roofed chapels on Sundays and for the rest bolt themselves within doors.' - George Orwell

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees


Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees




Eees a Ham Bush!
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

Dr. Medulla
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Dr. Medulla »

Boo.
"I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength, like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung." - Richard Nixon, Checkers Speech, abandoned early draft

dave202
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Re: Joke thread

Post by dave202 »

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Purple Hayes
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Purple Hayes »

After getting sent to jail i was relentlessly arse fucked for an hour, sometimes i think my Uncle takes monopoly far too seriously
'People like Coldplay and people voted for the Nazi's, you can't trust people Jeremy':- Super Hans

'Hayes ... is one of the most godforsaken places I have ever struck. The population seems to be entirely made up of clerks who frequent tin-roofed chapels on Sundays and for the rest bolt themselves within doors.' - George Orwell

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