Joke thread

Sweet action for kids 'n' cretins. Marjoram and capers.
Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

dave202 wrote:How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell Marc Jacobs later.
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

Dr. Medulla
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Dr. Medulla »

Heston wrote:
dave202 wrote:How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell Marc Jacobs later.
You owe it to him.
"I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength, like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung." - Richard Nixon, Checkers Speech, abandoned early draft

Marky Dread
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Marky Dread »

dave202 wrote:How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
To get to the other side.
Image

Forces have been looting
My humanity
Curfews have been curbing
The end of liberty


We're the flowers in the dustbin...
No fuchsias for you.

"Without the common people you're nothing"

Nos Sumus Una Familia

Chuck Mangione
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Chuck Mangione »

Marky Dread wrote:
dave202 wrote:How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
To get to the other side.
:mrgreen:

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Look for the fresh prints.
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

101Walterton
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Re: Joke thread

Post by 101Walterton »

A skeleton walked into a pub and ordered and pint and a mop.

Marky Dread
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Marky Dread »

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Image

Forces have been looting
My humanity
Curfews have been curbing
The end of liberty


We're the flowers in the dustbin...
No fuchsias for you.

"Without the common people you're nothing"

Nos Sumus Una Familia

Marky Dread
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Marky Dread »

A man limps into a bar with a cane and his pet alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
Image

Forces have been looting
My humanity
Curfews have been curbing
The end of liberty


We're the flowers in the dustbin...
No fuchsias for you.

"Without the common people you're nothing"

Nos Sumus Una Familia

Marky Dread
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Marky Dread »

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
Image

Forces have been looting
My humanity
Curfews have been curbing
The end of liberty


We're the flowers in the dustbin...
No fuchsias for you.

"Without the common people you're nothing"

Nos Sumus Una Familia

darter
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Re: Joke thread

Post by darter »

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake, finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you
should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Purple Hayes
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Purple Hayes »

A prostitute offered me sex for the reduced rate of a £10 because she didn't have a womb, intrigued ,I asked where we could do it and she said over there acwoss the woad against the wailings...
'People like Coldplay and people voted for the Nazi's, you can't trust people Jeremy':- Super Hans

'Hayes ... is one of the most godforsaken places I have ever struck. The population seems to be entirely made up of clerks who frequent tin-roofed chapels on Sundays and for the rest bolt themselves within doors.' - George Orwell

Marky Dread
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Marky Dread »

Purple Hayes wrote:A prostitute offered me sex for the reduced rate of a £10 because she didn't have a womb, intrigued ,I asked where we could do it and she said over there acwoss the woad against the wailings...
:mrgreen:

Ddin't know Jonathon Woss's sister was a prossie.
Image

Forces have been looting
My humanity
Curfews have been curbing
The end of liberty


We're the flowers in the dustbin...
No fuchsias for you.

"Without the common people you're nothing"

Nos Sumus Una Familia

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.




He orders a pint and sits down by the fireplace.
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

Flex
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Flex »

Heston wrote:A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.




He orders a pint and sits down by the fireplace.
HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Here's pretty easily the best joke you'll ever read:

Why was the broom late for work?








































It over SWEPT
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a bowl of soup
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a rolling hoop
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a ton of lead
Wiggle - you can raise the dead

Pex Lives!

Heston
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Heston »

Old MacDonald had tourettes,

Ee aye ee aye, CUNT!!!
There's a tiny, tiny hopeful part of me that says you guys are running a Kaufmanesque long con on the board

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