Joke thread

[JoseUnidos]

Some more blonde jokes:

A blonde was driving out in the country when a sheepherder had the road blocked allowing his flock to cross. The blonde admired the animals and asked the man that if she could predict how many sheep he had, could she have one to take home. The man agreed and the blonde immediately answered the correct number as 176.
She placed the reluctant animal into her car and then asked if she could tell him how many were male or female, can she pick another to take home. The sheepherder replied, "Yes, but if you're wrong, You have to give me back my dog."


A blonde hears on the news that 2 Brazilian men died in a plane crash. Getting upset, the blonde says, "Oh no! That's horrible! How many are in a brazilian?"


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Dr. Medulla]

This was on reddit this morning:
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

[Purple Hayes]

My fuckin' neighbour knocked on my door at 02:30, can you believe that, 2 fuckin' 30 in the morning? Luckily for him I didn't have work in the morning and was was still up playing my drums..

I got sacked from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen last night, bang out of order, ungratefull bastards all I said was "Hurry up for fucks sake, we haven't got all night and some of us have got homes to go to"

I've had to sack my cleaner, it took her four hours to hoover the bedroom, it turned out she was a Slovac

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, she ended up cooking my sock

When travelling in extreme weather the government advise you to carry a shovel, flask, wellies, rock salt, hi-vis jacket and a blanket, I looked a right knobhead on the bus...

[Heston]

How much does a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene

[Purple Hayes]

How much does a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene

Wish it was true but alas as everybody knows East Londoners rarely if ever bathe...

[Heston]

I told the wife I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and I didn't know what it was.

She said "ring sting", I said "What makes you think he'll fucking know!"

[tepista]

How can you tell a vegan at a dinner party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

[Wolter]

How can you tell a vegan at a dinner party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

I laughed mightily at this one. MIGHTILY.

[Marky Dread]

I told the wife I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and I didn't know what it was.

She said "ring sting", I said "What makes you think he'll fucking know!"

[Heston]

A policeman saw me urinating in the street whilst I was in Italy last week.

He said to me, "That's a fine."

So I carried on and said, "Cheers mate."

[Purple Hayes]

I asked my wife to masturbate with fruit, she went fuckin' bananas....

A bloke in a tractor just drove past me shouting "The end of the world is nigh"...I think it was farmer Geddon

Just got back from the world blindfold wanking championship, I've no idea were I came..

[Heston]

Sean Connery put some shelves up in my house last week, but when I put my books on them they all just slid off. I rang Sean to tell him and he was really upset and said " I'm ashamed of my shelf."

When does Saddam Hussein have his tea? When Tariq Aziz.

[Dr. Medulla]

Sean Connery put some shelves up in my house last week, but when I put my books on them they all just slid off. I rang Sean to tell him and he was really upset and said " I'm ashamed of my shelf."

I hate myself for laughing at that. So obvious …

[Purple Hayes]

Just got back from Blackpool, never again. On the seafront I saw a bloke and this bird having a right old shouting match until the bird smacked him in the face and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twatting the guy with his baton, then the bloke rips the baton off the copper and starts beating the crap out of him and the bird, then a crocodile turned up and stole some sausages...

[Wolter]

Sean Connery put some shelves up in my house last week, but when I put my books on them they all just slid off. I rang Sean to tell him and he was really upset and said " I'm ashamed of my shelf."

When does Saddam Hussein have his tea? When Tariq Aziz.

I laughed at the first one, but the second one only makes sense if you DON'T pronounce his last name AHZ-EEZ like I do.