Open up "what's wrong with you?"
- WestwayKid
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
Thanks guys. It sometimes feels a little funny because I can talk about it all day long (lots of great therapy) and I've made my peace with the loss (at least as much as I can). It's been interesting digging beneath the surface, however, and looking at the more subtle ways it has influenced who I am today.
In regards to the obsessive thoughts, yeah, they're vicious. I sometimes feel like there is a devil on my shoulder, whispering into my ear: worry about this and worry about that. I'll get through a period of worry and right away the thoughts will be back.
I was furloughed last year for 3 months and they were some of the most peaceful months I can remember. The voices/thoughts went away. I had this overriding worry about my job, but I found I could manage it. I went back work in mid-July and slowly it all crumbled again. Ugh.
In regards to the obsessive thoughts, yeah, they're vicious. I sometimes feel like there is a devil on my shoulder, whispering into my ear: worry about this and worry about that. I'll get through a period of worry and right away the thoughts will be back.
I was furloughed last year for 3 months and they were some of the most peaceful months I can remember. The voices/thoughts went away. I had this overriding worry about my job, but I found I could manage it. I went back work in mid-July and slowly it all crumbled again. Ugh.
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." - Oscar Gamble
- Dr. Medulla
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
Oof. Alas, I recognize so much of that (minus what you suspect is the root cause). It's a scary thing to realize how powerful your brain can be when it turns against you. That capacity to analyze a scenario and project it to something horrible, and concluding it's the necessary result. Even knowing that you're being irrational and self-destructive can't stop it. I have no advice—certainly nothing you haven't been told by others, especially trained professionals—but I can say that if you ever need to chat with another jerk who goes thru the same shit (thankfully, less often than I used to, but I'm under no illusions it's all past tense), I'm available.WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 11:41amPretty bad anxiety at times, often manifests as health anxiety. Sometimes feels unrelenting, like I'll get through one episode and then immediately spiral off into another one. I have done a decade plus of therapy and it helps, but not completely. I still feel like I lose too much time to worrying about things.
Obsessive/stuck thoughts that tie into my anxiety, though sometimes they're just obsessive thoughts: I'll repeat stories or thoughts/words to myself in my head over and over again. I probably have some form of OCD.
General gloominess. I won't call it depression, but it also follows my anxiety: if I'm worried about something it colors how I see everything else. It's hard to think about tomorrow or next week or next year when I'm worried about the worst case right now. I have a hard time enjoying things I love, like listening to music.
It actually all ties together like this: something will trigger a thought. I'll worry about that thought. It will start to circle around in my head until I start to obsess about it. It becomes stuck and then it starts to impact my life: poor sleep, poor appetite, lack of engagement, moodiness, gloominess, and so on.
My partner, who has a degree in human trauma, thinks I'm suffering from PTSD around that fact that my ex-wife and I lost our first child at birth. I think she might be right. I have done therapy around it and we went on to have 2 awesome, healthy kids, but I'm starting to connect some additional dots around where I am right now and what has happened to me in my past.
"I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength, like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung." - Richard Nixon, Checkers Speech, abandoned early draft
Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
I'm very sorry to learn of your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must be to lose a child, you have my condolences.WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 11:41amPretty bad anxiety at times, often manifests as health anxiety. Sometimes feels unrelenting, like I'll get through one episode and then immediately spiral off into another one. I have done a decade plus of therapy and it helps, but not completely. I still feel like I lose too much time to worrying about things.
Obsessive/stuck thoughts that tie into my anxiety, though sometimes they're just obsessive thoughts: I'll repeat stories or thoughts/words to myself in my head over and over again. I probably have some form of OCD.
General gloominess. I won't call it depression, but it also follows my anxiety: if I'm worried about something it colors how I see everything else. It's hard to think about tomorrow or next week or next year when I'm worried about the worst case right now. I have a hard time enjoying things I love, like listening to music.
It actually all ties together like this: something will trigger a thought. I'll worry about that thought. It will start to circle around in my head until I start to obsess about it. It becomes stuck and then it starts to impact my life: poor sleep, poor appetite, lack of engagement, moodiness, gloominess, and so on.
My partner, who has a degree in human trauma, thinks I'm suffering from PTSD around that fact that my ex-wife and I lost our first child at birth. I think she might be right. I have done therapy around it and we went on to have 2 awesome, healthy kids, but I'm starting to connect some additional dots around where I am right now and what has happened to me in my past.
God, what a mess, on the ladder of success
Where you take one step and miss the whole first rung
Where you take one step and miss the whole first rung
- WestwayKid
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
It really is scary when you think about how powerful the brain can be. I have anxiety trigger physical symptoms all the time. I know they're not really there, but I can't completely believe it. Like you said, it's also knowing how irrational it is, but still being unable to stop it. I'm going through something right now where I have what should be ample evidence that I have nothing to worry about, but yet I can't let it go. It's frustrating and exhausting.Dr. Medulla wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 12:21pmOof. Alas, I recognize so much of that (minus what you suspect is the root cause). It's a scary thing to realize how powerful your brain can be when it turns against you. That capacity to analyze a scenario and project it to something horrible, and concluding it's the necessary result. Even knowing that you're being irrational and self-destructive can't stop it. I have no advice—certainly nothing you haven't been told by others, especially trained professionals—but I can say that if you ever need to chat with another jerk who goes thru the same shit (thankfully, less often than I used to, but I'm under no illusions it's all past tense), I'm available.WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 11:41amPretty bad anxiety at times, often manifests as health anxiety. Sometimes feels unrelenting, like I'll get through one episode and then immediately spiral off into another one. I have done a decade plus of therapy and it helps, but not completely. I still feel like I lose too much time to worrying about things.
Obsessive/stuck thoughts that tie into my anxiety, though sometimes they're just obsessive thoughts: I'll repeat stories or thoughts/words to myself in my head over and over again. I probably have some form of OCD.
General gloominess. I won't call it depression, but it also follows my anxiety: if I'm worried about something it colors how I see everything else. It's hard to think about tomorrow or next week or next year when I'm worried about the worst case right now. I have a hard time enjoying things I love, like listening to music.
It actually all ties together like this: something will trigger a thought. I'll worry about that thought. It will start to circle around in my head until I start to obsess about it. It becomes stuck and then it starts to impact my life: poor sleep, poor appetite, lack of engagement, moodiness, gloominess, and so on.
My partner, who has a degree in human trauma, thinks I'm suffering from PTSD around that fact that my ex-wife and I lost our first child at birth. I think she might be right. I have done therapy around it and we went on to have 2 awesome, healthy kids, but I'm starting to connect some additional dots around where I am right now and what has happened to me in my past.
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." - Oscar Gamble
- Dr. Medulla
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
If it weren't so debilitating, if you could distance yourself from the effects, it'd be fascinating, y'know?WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 1:59pmIt really is scary when you think about how powerful the brain can be. I have anxiety trigger physical symptoms all the time. I know they're not really there, but I can't completely believe it. Like you said, it's also knowing how irrational it is, but still being unable to stop it. I'm going through something right now where I have what should be ample evidence that I have nothing to worry about, but yet I can't let it go. It's frustrating and exhausting.
A dear friend of mine is a former addictions counselor (former addict, too) and she helped me a great deal when I had my first massive depression (if my adolescence doesn't count). She told me about a priest she knew from AA who regarded his alcoholism as a gift from god. It was something that humbled him and reminded him to treat others with empathy and to acknowledge when he treated others poorly. Whatever misery it caused him and others, he said, he saw it as divine instruction to be better. I'm an atheist, but I have tried to embrace a lot of that perspective. If not having these problems made me cold to others' struggles, yeah, I'd keep my shit.
"I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength, like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung." - Richard Nixon, Checkers Speech, abandoned early draft
- Marky Dread
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
I feel for you mate. Anxiety is a wicked thing. Saddened to hear of your and your partners loss and there's no way of dealing with something like that. It's not something that's going away or can be forgotten. But as you said you have those two amazing kids and they are how you beat this thing. Looking at the positives and seeing proof of what you have achieved. You are a top fella and you got friends here. I wish you and your family all the best.WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 1:59pmIt really is scary when you think about how powerful the brain can be. I have anxiety trigger physical symptoms all the time. I know they're not really there, but I can't completely believe it. Like you said, it's also knowing how irrational it is, but still being unable to stop it. I'm going through something right now where I have what should be ample evidence that I have nothing to worry about, but yet I can't let it go. It's frustrating and exhausting.Dr. Medulla wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 12:21pmOof. Alas, I recognize so much of that (minus what you suspect is the root cause). It's a scary thing to realize how powerful your brain can be when it turns against you. That capacity to analyze a scenario and project it to something horrible, and concluding it's the necessary result. Even knowing that you're being irrational and self-destructive can't stop it. I have no advice—certainly nothing you haven't been told by others, especially trained professionals—but I can say that if you ever need to chat with another jerk who goes thru the same shit (thankfully, less often than I used to, but I'm under no illusions it's all past tense), I'm available.WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 11:41amPretty bad anxiety at times, often manifests as health anxiety. Sometimes feels unrelenting, like I'll get through one episode and then immediately spiral off into another one. I have done a decade plus of therapy and it helps, but not completely. I still feel like I lose too much time to worrying about things.
Obsessive/stuck thoughts that tie into my anxiety, though sometimes they're just obsessive thoughts: I'll repeat stories or thoughts/words to myself in my head over and over again. I probably have some form of OCD.
General gloominess. I won't call it depression, but it also follows my anxiety: if I'm worried about something it colors how I see everything else. It's hard to think about tomorrow or next week or next year when I'm worried about the worst case right now. I have a hard time enjoying things I love, like listening to music.
It actually all ties together like this: something will trigger a thought. I'll worry about that thought. It will start to circle around in my head until I start to obsess about it. It becomes stuck and then it starts to impact my life: poor sleep, poor appetite, lack of engagement, moodiness, gloominess, and so on.
My partner, who has a degree in human trauma, thinks I'm suffering from PTSD around that fact that my ex-wife and I lost our first child at birth. I think she might be right. I have done therapy around it and we went on to have 2 awesome, healthy kids, but I'm starting to connect some additional dots around where I am right now and what has happened to me in my past.
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
Wishing you good health wwk.
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
So sorry to learn about your loss WWK, and admire the clarity you have in understanding yourself.
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- WestwayKid
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
Thanks. It's been 13 years (wow, where did the time go). I do feel that it has been the clarity around not the loss, but about myself that has allowed me to come through. I've been lucky to have had some great people to talk to over the years, including an incredible therapist. My ex-wife struggles more than I do. I've long felt that she has never confronted it like I have. No judgement on my part, but it has been harder for her to pick up the pieces.
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." - Oscar Gamble
Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
Yeah that's a loss that must be extremely hard to bare.WestwayKid wrote: ↑07 Jul 2021, 4:23pmThanks. It's been 13 years (wow, where did the time go). I do feel that it has been the clarity around not the loss, but about myself that has allowed me to come through. I've been lucky to have had some great people to talk to over the years, including an incredible therapist. My ex-wife struggles more than I do. I've long felt that she has never confronted it like I have. No judgement on my part, but it has been harder for her to pick up the pieces.
Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
Hello,
Most of my experience has been with athletes and performance anxiety. I know that there are many interventions that help tremendously. If you see the right person, perhaps they can provide some intervention/action that will aid you.
"Your mind plays tricks on you - you play tricks back!" - Pee Wee Herman
Most of my experience has been with athletes and performance anxiety. I know that there are many interventions that help tremendously. If you see the right person, perhaps they can provide some intervention/action that will aid you.
"Your mind plays tricks on you - you play tricks back!" - Pee Wee Herman
- WestwayKid
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
I just felt like venting, so this thread is getting a bump.
I truly struggle with the changing seasons. It's starting to get cold in Wisconsin. We had a nice respite yesterday - with temps in the 50s, but down into the 20s today. Gloomy.
I find that small things set me back mood-wise.
For instance, I took my car in yesterday. Something with the cooling system. I was expecting a hefty bill, but they claimed it was just a clogged heater core. I drove it again this morning and a slightly different, but obviously related problem, popped up. I need to take it back in tomorrow. It's a 1st world problem. I own a car. It gets me places like work. I have the money to fix it (though I hate the thought of spending money on my car, especially when I need to get my daughter in for braces). It's a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but it put my mood in reverse and now I feel stuck and I'm sure the crummy weather and the prospect of months of cold and snow and darkness aren't helping anything. I feel like if it was summer I'd just feel more positive. It's harder to have a bad day when it's 80 and sunny and the birds are singing.
I truly struggle with the changing seasons. It's starting to get cold in Wisconsin. We had a nice respite yesterday - with temps in the 50s, but down into the 20s today. Gloomy.
I find that small things set me back mood-wise.
For instance, I took my car in yesterday. Something with the cooling system. I was expecting a hefty bill, but they claimed it was just a clogged heater core. I drove it again this morning and a slightly different, but obviously related problem, popped up. I need to take it back in tomorrow. It's a 1st world problem. I own a car. It gets me places like work. I have the money to fix it (though I hate the thought of spending money on my car, especially when I need to get my daughter in for braces). It's a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but it put my mood in reverse and now I feel stuck and I'm sure the crummy weather and the prospect of months of cold and snow and darkness aren't helping anything. I feel like if it was summer I'd just feel more positive. It's harder to have a bad day when it's 80 and sunny and the birds are singing.
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." - Oscar Gamble
Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
I'm sorry, WWK. It's so interesting, because I have the exact opposite reaction to weather. I find comfort in gloomy days. I don't mind sunny and mild days, but I hate anything sunny and over 75 or under 40.WestwayKid wrote: ↑30 Nov 2022, 12:45pmI just felt like venting, so this thread is getting a bump.
I truly struggle with the changing seasons. It's starting to get cold in Wisconsin. We had a nice respite yesterday - with temps in the 50s, but down into the 20s today. Gloomy.
I find that small things set me back mood-wise.
For instance, I took my car in yesterday. Something with the cooling system. I was expecting a hefty bill, but they claimed it was just a clogged heater core. I drove it again this morning and a slightly different, but obviously related problem, popped up. I need to take it back in tomorrow. It's a 1st world problem. I own a car. It gets me places like work. I have the money to fix it (though I hate the thought of spending money on my car, especially when I need to get my daughter in for braces). It's a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but it put my mood in reverse and now I feel stuck and I'm sure the crummy weather and the prospect of months of cold and snow and darkness aren't helping anything. I feel like if it was summer I'd just feel more positive. It's harder to have a bad day when it's 80 and sunny and the birds are singing.
I hope your car bill isn't too high. It sucks that we live in areas with shitty public transport.
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
This is pretty much how I felt every day when I lived in upstate NY with its never ending winter and cold and gloomy skies. So, even if I can't offer anything constructive, just know I get ya. It really is hard to feel anything positive when it's cold and gloomy.WestwayKid wrote: ↑30 Nov 2022, 12:45pmI just felt like venting, so this thread is getting a bump.
I truly struggle with the changing seasons. It's starting to get cold in Wisconsin. We had a nice respite yesterday - with temps in the 50s, but down into the 20s today. Gloomy.
I find that small things set me back mood-wise.
For instance, I took my car in yesterday. Something with the cooling system. I was expecting a hefty bill, but they claimed it was just a clogged heater core. I drove it again this morning and a slightly different, but obviously related problem, popped up. I need to take it back in tomorrow. It's a 1st world problem. I own a car. It gets me places like work. I have the money to fix it (though I hate the thought of spending money on my car, especially when I need to get my daughter in for braces). It's a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but it put my mood in reverse and now I feel stuck and I'm sure the crummy weather and the prospect of months of cold and snow and darkness aren't helping anything. I feel like if it was summer I'd just feel more positive. It's harder to have a bad day when it's 80 and sunny and the birds are singing.
- WestwayKid
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Re: Open up "what's wrong with you?"
indeed. It's 27 and cloudy right now. The other thing is that everything just looks brown and dead and dirty outside.Mimi wrote: ↑30 Nov 2022, 1:08pmThis is pretty much how I felt every day when I lived in upstate NY with its never ending winter and cold and gloomy skies. So, even if I can't offer anything constructive, just know I get ya. It really is hard to feel anything positive when it's cold and gloomy.WestwayKid wrote: ↑30 Nov 2022, 12:45pmI just felt like venting, so this thread is getting a bump.
I truly struggle with the changing seasons. It's starting to get cold in Wisconsin. We had a nice respite yesterday - with temps in the 50s, but down into the 20s today. Gloomy.
I find that small things set me back mood-wise.
For instance, I took my car in yesterday. Something with the cooling system. I was expecting a hefty bill, but they claimed it was just a clogged heater core. I drove it again this morning and a slightly different, but obviously related problem, popped up. I need to take it back in tomorrow. It's a 1st world problem. I own a car. It gets me places like work. I have the money to fix it (though I hate the thought of spending money on my car, especially when I need to get my daughter in for braces). It's a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but it put my mood in reverse and now I feel stuck and I'm sure the crummy weather and the prospect of months of cold and snow and darkness aren't helping anything. I feel like if it was summer I'd just feel more positive. It's harder to have a bad day when it's 80 and sunny and the birds are singing.
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." - Oscar Gamble